Koopman Kraziness

I'd been crying less, feeling a bit more optimistic about things, etc. Then ONE day I miss my afternoon dose of panic meds.  ONE day and I realize that I've moved maybe MILLIMETERS from "square one". I've at least pretty much gotten past the denial phase of grief, but now seem to be stuck in the anger.  Where I used to be the one who was laid back regarding Kamden's...well...being three I now find myself snapping at the most ridiculous things.  I know it's normal and that it's "part of the process" but I sure hate that it has to manifest and affect my precious little boy.  Luckily, he's a complete sweetheart who, even at the tender age of three, will come up, rub his tiny hand on my back and say, "Momma?  I can for help you to feel better?"  Just hearing the sincerity and child-like faith in his voice when he asks me that makes things better.  I let him know that he is my biggest help and biggest reason to get better and he...

We went to my parents' this week on Jeff's "long day" (meaning work, then a 4 hour long night class) and Kamden got his first experience with playing in the sprinklers.  We've put it off for a while because he has this thing about getting his face wet (even in the tub, he doesn't like it) but he looked like he had a great time.  Grammy and Papaw both got soaked too, but didn't seem to mind!

Kamden was a few months over due for his 3 year well child check, so we went and had that done this last Monday.  We have a wonderful pediatrics office that we go to and love everyone there.  They have been an amazing support for our family since losing Kaidi and have offered to help get counseling for Kamden if it becomes necessary.   I did have a bit of a set back emotionally while we were there because I realized that we would be doing Kaidi's 2 month infant check in the same office, had she lived. Kamden weighed in at 34 lbs (65th%) and 38.5 inches tall (60th%).  They seemed to be overall pleased with his development and speech and assured me that I'm not insane and that he likely has regressed as far as his potty training due to all the big events/changes since May 1st.  Poor dude had to get two vaccinations, but once he saw the trains in the waiting area again he was completely over the upset it had caused. I can't believe how big my Miracle Boy is...

Since Kaidance's Angelversary, we have received so many sweet cards, gifts, and tributes and I cannot say thank you to everyone enough.  We were blessed this week though with two very special gifts.  One of them was for me and one was for Kamden.  (I have a neat gift in the works for Jeff, but more on that later). My sweet sister in law, "J" put in an order for the most touching gift and I received it by mail this week.  It was made by Jeff's Aunt "C" in her home business, and it contains two medallions - one for Kamden with his birthstone (Diamond) and one for Kaidance (Emerald)  I've since added Kaidi's infant ring onto the chain as well, but in my mind, I know can keep both children where they belong.  Right on top of my heart.  I liked what "J" had to say about it all.  She said that now when people ask about my kids, I can have a physical representation of having two, and just let them know that one is with me and one with the Father...

On the Monday before my official due date, we went to the cemetery and met with a man I have known my entire life who now owns the cemetery and works with ordering the headstones and maintaining the grounds.  When we arrived, I looked over at my dad and Jeff with what I know had to be a glassy-eyed, spaced out look and muttered, "I don't want to do this.  Can we just go home?"  My dad smiled at me sadly and patted my leg as I laid my head down on the car door.  He told me that it wasn't fair and that no parent should ever have to bury their child, but that we needed to do this and it would help give us some more closure.  Jeff held my hand tight when he helped me out of the car and chuckled when I gave everyone a good laugh asking if I was walking on anyone (our car had been parked alongside a line of headstones and I had taken a tranquilizer prior to coming to ward off any panic attacks).  He patted my hand as we started up the walkway to the main office...

I know that I am VERY behind on posts.  This week: "The Headstone and 'D Day'" "The Peace a Gift Can Give" "You Are To Be Used" "Kamden's 3 year well child check" I started my own cleaning business 2 weeks ago and doing that, as well as being down a car and taking hubby to and from work have made it hard to keep up.  I PROMISE you a post a day for the rest of this week to catch up!

I am making a vow to myself to ONLY weigh myself at home one time a week.  If I have a doctor's appointment or something like that, it's unavoidable, but I personally will only weigh in on Mondays.  Once I can find my measuring tape, I'll do monthly measurements as well on the first week of the month, but for now the weekly weigh in sits at..... 263. Not the best by any means, but much better than it's been before. Weekly goals: Work out at least three days Cut out diet sodas (will have one for Sunday Splurge) Start tracking my activity so I know where I'm burning calories What about you?  What three goals can you set for this week to set yourself up for victory?

We lost our daughter 2 months ago.  Losing her at birth was a wake up call for me in a lot of ways.  The biggest was how fragile our lives really are and how in the blink of an eye, we can be gone. I have a wonderful husband and an amazing son who are still here and who need me, not to mention parents who love and need me around and extended family and friends who don't want to lose me. So why have I been slowly killing myself? June of 2007 I was diagnosed as a Type II Diabetic.  Even knowing from family history what the long term effects of this disease are, I took it too lightly.  I STILL take it too lightly.  I couldn't tell you the last time that I went through one full day of taking my blood sugars every time I was supposed to do so and doing the injections needed along with them.  I don't think about the things that go into my mouth food and drink wise.  On average in one day, I drink enough diet soda for a consumption of 420mg of sodium.  W...

No, not really.  I know that a SAHM does more work than anyone could ever imagine and doesn't get the credit she deserves, but when things are tight at home, find some small way you can bring in a little extra income if you don't have a regular job already. For me,  I wanted to do something that I could more or less make my own hours, still be at home to fix dinner, spend time with Jeff and Kamden, be able to keep up with my own home and social life, but still bring in some income to help with the load on Jeff's shoulders of being provider. I started out with a mental list of what I can do: I can sing: No money in that unless someone signs a deal with me. I can blog:  Not MUCH money in that. I can clean: hmmmm I can make crafty things: double hmmmmm So, starting last week, I started taking on clients to clean for.  I can take on as many or as few as I want to, work about 3 hours at a time, charge lower than what a regular cleaning service would charge but STILL make ...

For those of you who may not be familiar with them, an Angel Shower is a shower given for a baby who has already passed or who the mother still may be pregnant with, but who has received a fatal diagnosis. Jeff and I were blessed to have our own Angel Shower for Kaidi on June 18th.  A sweet group of friends came together to support us and celebrate Kaidance's short life to its fullest.  One dear friend, that I never knew until Kaidi first received her fatal diagnosis and I contacted NILMDTS for a possible photographer after Kaidi would pass on, made a beautiful memory box for us. (Pictures will be in the slide show)  She has a definite gift for doing things of this nature and I'm so grateful to have such a beautiful keepsake for all the memories I was able to have of Kaidance's time with us. Thank you to all who were part of this shower in ANY way, whether you were here in person or away for some reason.  It meant SO much to us to be able to celeb...

Jeff is taking General Psychology as one of his classes this semester and his professor is also a licensed psychologist.  He's talked some with her about the loss of our precious babe, and she told him last night that given all we've gone through in the last 6 months to a year, we are a rarity as far as still being together.  I hadn't thought about it like that, but looking back on the last few years after he told me about that conversation made me realize that really we are a "rare case".  It made me want to share an article that I found this morning on helping your marriage survive after the loss of a child.  I hope it helps someone out there. Marriage Survival After Losing a Baby By Carol Ruth Blackman Losing a child affects parents in many ways. Survival skills are needed to keep your marriage strong after losing your baby. We'll look first at the differences between husbands and wives, then discuss some of the dangers to be aware of and include ...

Well, 3 down....17 to go!  Although, I'm having fun with it....I might have to do 30.  We'll see.

This afternoon Jeff and I are going to the cemetery with my dad to order Kaidance's headstone.  I know it has to be done and it will help bring closure, but dangit I do NOT want to do this.  Our stinking due date would have been this Wednesday.  We should be making sure the hospital bag is packed and that Kamden has people to watch him...making last minute additions and adjustments to the nursery, picking out a "coming home outfit". Instead, today we decide what style and type of stone, font and picture we want on our daughter's headstone - the PERMANENT and blatantly obvious reminder that she really is gone. I'm still feeling phantom kicks at night and just cry and pray them away.  A new phenomenon has started, and I'm actually curious if any other moms who have lost their baby suddenly have experienced it.  When I see a newborn or read about a baby being born, my body starts the exact same type of pains as when I was contracting before I knew I was in ...

I'm sorry it's been so long since I wrote a true blog post.  Reality has hit and hit hard in the last two weeks. We have, as a family, been hit hard with just general life issues which have led me to return to working.  I'm still going to make and sell bows (you can check that out here ) but in addition, I've started taking on clients to clean houses for.  It's a humbling thing to do, but I wanted to do a job where I could more or less make my own hours and still have adequate time with Kamden.  I'm hoping that pulling in some additional money will help to take some pressure off of Jeff. Jeff started a new job part time and has started back to school.  We've finally been able to talk some about our loss and some kind of surprising things have been revealed.  I want to share them, but now isn't the right time to do so.  I've asked him to cry and grieve with me, and he says he has to work it out on his own.  It's hard enough to lose your child...

I say I'm okay - but only because I don't know what else to say.  I'm not okay.  Every time I see a pregnant belly, a baby carrier, a newborn or even a baby bottle, my heart shreds all over again. I smile - but only because I'm trying to make myself believe I'm okay.  There are still genuine smiles, but they are so few and far between that I'm not sure I can tell the difference anymore. I say I'm "hanging in there" - because I don't know how else to describe forcing my way through my days while going from one extreme to another of being totally numb and feeling-less to being totally incapacitated by grief. I leave things early because I'm tired - or, because I need time to lock myself in my car and let out the gut wrenching, car shaking moans, groans and screams that have hidden themselves and can only come out when I'm alone. I say I'm leaning on God - and I am.  But at the same time, I'm not sure I've ever been mor...

Well, here I am again, already.  Don't let the bottle fool you, I'd been shaking it to get the last little bit out.  It's definitely empty.  2 down, 18 to go!