Koopman Kraziness

I mentioned in my last post  about being notorious for getting sucked into the smell, prettiness or fad of the latest lotions, chap sticks, etc.  I'm also a fanatic for beauty videos on youtube.  One of the girls that I watch faithfully recently discussed that she realized that she all too often would realize that she had some extra money and would go spend it on makeup or another beauty product.  Before she knew it, her collection was big enough that it was unlikely she'd ever be able to use it all.  Her solution was to do a "Project 20 Pan". If you are unfamiliar, what this project involves is not purchasing any of the product(s) you are needing to weed out before you fully use up 20 of that type of product.  For example, (we'll use me) since my vice is mainly lotions and chap sticks, I would need to use up 20 total lotions and or chap stick products before I would be allowed to buy ANY more. Now, to make this a bit more realistic and not make it to where...

I've been thinking on and praying about what direction to take this blog.  I don't want it to just be "me, me, me" and what I save on groceries, necessities,  etc.  I actually really like to read blogs exactly like that, but I want for me personally, I would feel like I was bragging.  I want this blog to be about helping.  We can all learn from each other and make our lives more simple and more worry free by just taking a few simple steps. I'd love feedback and if there is ANYTHING you have found works for you, please add it in the comments.  I also want to put out there that EVERY one of the things I'm listing here, I am personally working to make happen.  It's things that God has personally dealt with me on lately to make our own lives as a family better, more efficient and cost effective. Get organized! - This includes pretty much any area of your life that you could imagine.  For now, I'll focus on those that actually save you money. Make a li...

Jeff got a gift that contained this poem tonight...I wanted to share it. It must be very difficult to be a man in grief Since men don't cry and men are strong. No tears can bring relief. It must be very difficult to stand up to the test And take the calls and vistors so she can get some rest. They always ask if she's all right and what she's going through But seldom take his hand and ask, 'My friend, but how are you?' He hears her crying in the night and thinks his heart will break. He dries his tears and comforts her but stays strong for her sake. It must be very difficult to start each day anew And try to be so very brave.  He lost his baby too."  - Author Unknown Jeff,  I don't know if you will ever read this blog...but I love you.  I love you more than my own life...and it's okay to not be strong all the time.  It's okay to cry with me.  It's okay to let me be strong for you.  We both lost Kaidi, and I want you to be able to ...

I talked earlier this week about setting goals. (Or maybe it was earlier today...  I lose track of time so easily now.)  I thought it'd be nice to have a post I can reference back to as well as be held accountable by readers on. Start going to the gym at least every other day with the hubby. In the process, lose 5 lbs. Read through and start implementing the strategies outlined by Dave Ramsey Learn how to utilize and get the best savings possible with the coupons I have been working to collect. Get in the paperwork for my FAFSA and set up a meeting with a school counselor to select fall classes. Get our family into a good daily routine (that actually involves getting up at a decent time, bed at a decent time etc. Order Kaidi's grave marker... It may be small things but it will seem like big advances for me if I can make these things happen...

I can completely see how easily I could become OCD now.  I was one that wanted to be in control of things before, but now it's almost an obsession. I'm in the process of making a master list that WILL be followed by ALL in this house regarding which household chores will happen on which days.  I also have created templates for menu planning two weeks at a time so that  I may shop per that list and nothing else.  I have downloaded check lists for cleaning each respective room.  I even have a master grocery list that lists just about every item you could possibly find in a store set up to where I just have to check that it's needed and write in how many items.  I created both monthly and weekly calendars for each member of the family.  I generically used a daytimer before and am now in the process of learning to LIVE by one.  I mean to the point I"m lost without it. That's extreme! you might be thinking.  Well, yes, in some ways it is very ...

I've mentioned it before on this blog - I'm diabetic.  I'm diabetic and I despise it.  I can eat what I want - so long as I physically measure it out.  It get progressively worse through a pregnancy and harder to control.  It starts working on damaging your kidneys before you even know you have it.  Many times, even when you do EXACTLY what you should be doing, your blood sugars are out of control after a meal.  I apparently need to do a complete overhaul on our entire menu and way of eating if I'm going to get my health under control. Like I really need another huge change right now. I guess I'll use up the remainder of the groceries we have now and in the mean time start meal planing solely based of the ADA diet.  If I'm going to lose the required weight for the time frame I've allotted as well as get my health in order, something drastic is going to have to happen.  Jeff was labeled as "borderline diabetic" at this last physical ...

Just Once.... Just once I wish I could have spent a late hour rocking you in my arms, Just once I wish I could have gently lain you in your crib. I wish I could have changed a diaper,  Chosen an outfit for the day, GIven you a bath, and soothed your skin with lotion. Just once I wish I could have heard you cry out in loneliness for me, or spent time alone with you, just the two of us. Strolled you proudly through the shopping mall, Just once I wish I could have heard the words "What a beautiful, healthy baby girl!" Just once....   ~Author Unknown~

I went to see my new psychiatrist today, Dr. N.  After giving him a run down on my overall history with panic attacks and depression as well as the happenings over the last several months with Kaidi, he smiled sympathetically and said, "I think it's pretty clear.  You have PTSD." In case you aren't familiar with the term or the disorder, let me give you a general overview.  As described by the National Institute of Mental Health ( http://www.nimh.nih.gov ), PTSD is " an anxiety disorder that some people get after seeing or living through a dangerous event.   When in danger, it’s natural to feel afraid. This fear triggers many split-second changes in the body to prepare to defend against the danger or to avoid it. This “fight-or-flight” response is a healthy reaction meant to protect a person from harm. But in PTSD, this reaction is changed or damaged. People who have PTSD may feel stressed or frightened even when they’re no longer in danger ."   I know fro...

Chilling out in the pew, waiting to "clap for ALL the daddies" My loves Lunch with my parents Dinner is served How real men celebrate Father's Day The men in my life Kamden and Papaw   What happens when I try to get a good picture

I should be pulling myself together for our couple's therapy session this afternoon, but I just don't want to and frankly don't care...  I barely slept last night because every time I closed my eyes I had flashbacks to the night of delivery.  I wanted to wake Jeff up to just hold me and make it go away, but he started a new job yesterday and was so, so tired...I couldn't bring myself to wake him.  Instead, I got up several times to make sure Kamden was warm and still breathing, to smell his skin and hair, and watched makeup reviews and tutorials on youtube.  Sometime after 5:30 I finally fell asleep, only to wake back up at 7:30.  Thankfully, Jeff had today off and I was able to doze on and off until close to noon.  When I did finally get up, I checked facebook statuses.  Babies, babies everywhere.  One friend delivered her handsome son late last night and another is going into the hospital today to deliver.  Blogs showed that our cousin's ...

I really wanted it to be okay today.  I wanted to just focus on Jeff and on my own dad. We had special recognition in the morning service for all of the dads in the congregation, and when my dad went to pray over them, some of the things he had to say hit home a little too well.  He mentioned that "some of these fathers have families who are facing really gut-wrenching situations and they need Your help to be the leader of their home that they are called to be more than ever before", and I looked up to where my husband stood to see his shoulders slump.  I couldn't help myself, and before I knew it I was furious.  My husband should have TWO babies to snuggle and be spoiled by today.  He should NOT have one slowly decaying a few feet below the surface of the earth that he never really got to know.  He should not have the weight of the world on his shoulders because he's trying to "be strong" and give me time to grieve.  He shouldn't have to let me gr...

We had a great surprise this weekend.  Jeff is the middle of six kids, and both of his brothers and one sister were able to drive down and spend part of the weekend with us!  They drove the approximately 1200 miles from central Wisconsin to Amarillo, Texas in a single shot Thursday night/Friday morning and got here around 2 on Friday.  We took them to as many places as we could cram into the 27 hours they were here before they had to go back home, but we had the best time.  We are always sad to see family leave, but it meant the world to Jeff and I that those who were able to do so came down and spent time with us and gave us their support and love in person.  We know with no doubts that we have their support from afar at ALL times, but it was sure nice to feel the hugs in person again.  We love you ALL and are making plans to come up in December!!! Cadillac Ranch He's so handsome :) I don't know who left the flowers and rattle, but thank you. ...

Yep, new layout AND new name.  Since I stopped maintaining our family blog when all the problems started with sweet Kaidi back in February, I decided I'd just combine them and for those who wish to read about us ALL, you may feel free to do so, but the majority here will still be about Kamden and our journey after Kaidi.  The web address is the same, so if you are subscribed to the posts, they should still feed exactly as they always have. In the right column, there is a button you can feel free to take (copy and paste the link to your own blog) if you'd like.  I'm not into shameless self promotion, but if you ever run across someone who needs to read something I've written here, there's a way to send them easily.  Also, Kaidi's picture further down (just above the ticker "Since we said goodbye") is now hyperlinked with information about Potters Syndrome. I've also added a spot where you can contact our family by email if you have specific conc...

It's kinda hard to NOT see.  People everywhere are either losing their jobs, having trouble finding employment at all, or only able to gain employment in minimum wage jobs.  Even those who hold amazing skill sets are finding that they aren't as valuable of an asset as they have been in days past.   You can hear on any given day how bad the economy is.  The chances of our country heading into another depression are extremely high.  Quite frankly, many are surprised that it hasn't done so already.   A very, VERY long story short, our family NEEDS to save.  Between medical conditions, debt that we each brought into our marriage almost five years ago, an unexpected loss of our daughter and the expenses that go along with that, as well as the rising cost of various necessities, it's absolutely crucial that we learn to save. I'll be the first to admit that neither myself nor my husband are good at saving.  We both tend to want to spoil our son, even mor...

There's not a lot to say about the service itself.  I was overwhelmed with the love and support and the number of people who showed up to celebrate the short life of a precious baby they'd never known.  My dad officiated the service and he did a beautiful job.  I held it together pretty well until he led the group in singing first "Jesus Loves the Little Children" and then "Jesus Loves Me".  Part of me cried because of the truth behind the words and part of me cried out of anger.  The last thing I wanted to hear on THAT day was how much Jesus loved me.  I know it sounds weird, but at that point in time, it wasn't a comfort as much as it tore me to pieces inside.  By the end of the service, there was an underlying peace, it seemed, and Jeff, Kamden and I released "balloons of love" to our sweet Kaidance.  We'll never forget her, never replace her, and never stop missing her. This blanket was a gift from a good friend's church.  Each...

I half slept cradling Kaidi in the crook of my elbow the rest of the early morning hours and the majority of Memorial day.  We had several visitors come by, and if any of you are reading this please know that your coming by and showing support for us meant more than we could ever tell you, and spend some time with us, pray with us and offer their help in any way that they could.  Around 1, my parents came back up with Kamden and my mother brought a beautiful pink outfit for Kaidi.  While Jeff took Kamden for a walk to visit the nurses, my parents helped me to change my precious daughter into her first and last outfit.  I thank God they were there to help because I completely lost it when we started to change her and I realized how cold she was.  I kept trying to warm her up, even though I knew that I'd never get her warm again.   She looked so pretty though.  Like a little china doll.  Looking at her in her "pretties", as Kamden called t...

Here we sit.  We're waiting to see our family counselor for the first time since losing Kaidi.  I plan to leave most of the talking to Jeff.  He needs to get out more emotion than I do. -- Sent from my Palm Pixi

I can't even count anymore the number of times someone has asked us this in some form or fashion.  I always feel kind of bad because I really don't know HOW anyone can help other than with prayer at this point.  We've absolutely be overwhelmed by the graciousness of so many who have offered meals, who have donated money toward a memorial stone for Kaidi, and who have given so much support with books, cards, phone calls, emails, etc.  It all means SO much to us.  I've been doing some thinking though and I've thought of a few ways that people can help if they want to do so. March of Dimes March of Dimes supports programs in your community that help moms have healthy, full-term pregnancies. It also funds research to find answers to the problems that threaten our babies. Donate by clicking here . We wanted so badly to actively walk in the MoD this year, but due to the pregnancy and complications around that time, we were unable.  However, next ye...